It was still dark when we left, just a little past 6am. Three of us were on our way to Ohio to help a failing office. The sun wasn’t on the horizon yet and a blunt was rolled, passing back and forth. Almost five hours till our destination. Office talk started then deeper conversations. To make a long story short, one dead cat became four. I had to pee. It was the first time we stopped, I think we were in Pennsylvania. We pulled into a McDonalds just after a senior citizen tour bus. About fifty old people glared at us while we walked in, it wouldn’t be our first encounter with the elderly. The line for the old ladies room stretched about ten old vagina’s back. They laughed and chatted about sewing patterns and wearing pajamas as daytime clothes. We left laughing about old people. Our breakfast was a mix of wheat thins and granola bars, we never stopped to eat. Finally I saw the sign welcoming us to Ohio. We passed where the Indians play and I took a shitty picture. Another half hour or so passed and we made it to the office! We were running late and hungry. One person got changed in the car while me and another manager commented how the office building looked like a former nursing home. He took a pee on a bush behind the car, then it was my turn to change in the car. We hurried into the office building while joking that old people were probably buried in the gardens. There were two rockers next to the front door, “this definitely looks like a place old people go to die,” I said. We walked in and found two old people staring at us, one with an oxygen mask, neither looking like they had their weekly shower. “Uhhh,” said one manager as me and the other ran out laughing. The office building that looked like a nursing home was a nursing home. By the time we found the real office it was time for our companies weekly conference call, which we couldn’t hear because they talked throughout the entire call…like high schoolers left alone during morning announcements. The owner of the office chewed on a pen cap and talked of various things like the Cleveland Browns and shaving his back. There was an employee there who used to place pro football for the Browns and the Jets. After the call he held a meeting where he talked about himself, how he laid in bed all day the previous day. After a long day of work, with no lunch break, we finally were all dropped off to owner’s house where we would be staying. Our owner told us there were five bedrooms and to bring air mattresses for the extra bedrooms. We arrived to the owner smoking a cigar in the living room and a girl smoking a cigarette, this was our bedroom. He told us there were no extra bedrooms and we would basically have to sleep in his cigar smoke living room. The owner put on a bootleg movie that just kept looping the first ten minutes of the movie and we fell asleep.
I started a new job today. Nervous, I left early to give myself enough time and to arrive in a timely fashion for first impressions. When I arrived I noticed the parking lot was full. “Oh I’ll just park at a meter,” I thought to myself, despite last time I departed with a parking ticket and scowl. I drove around one more time and noticed that EVERY side street had meters or 1 hour parking only. That’s also when I realized I didn’t bring my wallet. Quickly I checked for loose car coinage and found almost a dollar worth of quarters and nickels. Shit. I drove around one more time in hopes that someone left the parking lot, nope. My early arrival was dead. I had ten minutes to find a place to park my hunk of junk and make my way to the top of the building. After driving down many one way streets, passing meter after meter I knew I would have look further if I didn’t want another parking ticket or for my car to be towed. About 4 blocks away, on a notorious street, across from a homeless man taking his morning nap, I found a spot. Time check, 4 minutes until my first day begins. Thank god I made the decision not to wear heels. I shuffled past the sleeping homeless man, past the barks coming from inside animal services, past two city workers who said something in Spanish to me as I walked by (all I could make out was “Mami”), crossed the street with an old man and bad complexion carrying a large wrench and finally to my new workplace. Time check, 1 minute late. Phew, I made it…barely. I signed in at the front desk and made my way to the elevator where I got stuck for one minute but felt like five. I panicked briefly, pressing the floor button until sweat beads started to form. The elevator shook for a moment and then I was off to the top floor. I made my way down the hall and sat down in the lobby (time check, 3 minutes late). I was greeted by someone who conducted my second interview and basically hurried me into a conference room of sorts with one desk, dry erase boards covering the walls and one girl with a cold doing equations on one of white boards. The manager who hired me sat me down at the desk in front of another dry erase board and told me to copy everything in my notebook and offered me a donut. I passed on the donut and began furiously writing down what was on the dry erase board, numbers, prices, packages, etc. After I was done he told me to study what I had in my notebook and started to play the new Jay Z album, uncensored. I had an entire page from top to bottom to memorize while n-words and f bombs blared in my right ear. All the while the girl with the cold kept talking about her cold. Another employee walked in and they all started doing different numbers and practicing sales pitches. My ADD was in full swing, the music, the cold, the numbers, the sales pitches, the donuts…after about five minutes I was told my time was up and it was quiz time. “Write down all the numbers that you can,” I was guided to another dry erase board. Uhhhh. I remembered about three numbers. The manager helped me fill in some of the blanks then told me to study again. I shamefully, but gladly, walked back to the desk with my notebook and began at the top. I was about four lines down the page when another manager walks in and tells me it’s time for more quizzing and note taking. After pretending to take in everything that he said, the tells me to go over the notes again. After 30 seconds of basically glancing down at my notebook, more quizzing pressed on until finally all the numbers were just a jumble in my head. “Good,” I was told, “come back tomorrow and we’ll really quiz you. If you get one wrong you’ll be sent home. Study.” I shook the manager’s hand, assured him that the numbers would be in my head tomorrow and walked down the hall. Luckily the elevator gave me no issues and I walked the four blocks back to my car, the dogs were still barking, the homeless man still sleeping and my stomach rumbled a little when I plunged into my car. “Looks like I got some studying to do…after lunch of course.”
Oh my god. Best puppy ever?!
My mom sent me this. It’s an x-ray of her friend’s pregnant dog and you can actually see the puppies skeletons. She’s supposed to be having 10 puppies all together. I thought this was cool. ok.
i thought it ate some bottle caps
This makes me want to have ten puppies
A belly full of puppies never seemed cuter!